I got angry yesterday, but admitting it makes me feel like an awful human being.
Anger is viewed in such a negative way, especially in the South. We’re not supposed to be angry, we’re supposed to put a smile on our face and suck it up. Just let it go. That’s the polite way - or it could be a Southern tradition - kind of like telling someone “bless your heart” instead of “you are a total idiot”.
There’s also the Southern phrase “act ugly”, which is short for bad behavior. An angry person is persona non grata. But after 30 years of suppression, I learned suppressing anger is a ticking time bomb. So let’s look at anger in a different, powerful way.
Anger is a phenomenal tool for healing.
We’re triggered by those closest in our life. They are our greatest guides for becoming our best selves. These mirrors reflect exactly what we need to address internally. That’s why these relationships are so sacred. With this in mind, every morning, I ask Anders to tell me to “Please Pause” when I get angry followed by “Do you need a hug”?
It’s a reminder for me AND for him! When we take a moment to breathe and regroup, we can make the anger useful.
Shefali Tsabary says “Don’t use your children as the receptacle of your frustrations.” Furthermore, when we’re upset, it exposes this truth: “It’s not my child who needs help right now, but me.”
We can substitute “child or children” for partner, sister, brother, mother, father…”
Okay, so we know when we continue to pack in anger or any other negative emotion, it eventually boils over. We unleash it at typically the most inopportune times and to those closest who don’t deserve it. Let’s break that cycle.
True emotional healing comes from doing the work, not suppression.
What is the work? Pause and reflect.
1. Take responsibility.
2. Understand why you are triggered.
3. Expose your internal state.
4. Accept.
5. Forgive. (self & others)
5. Surrender.
THEN, you can let it go.
The Work in Practice
Take Responsibility
I got angry with my best friend yesterday and let it put a damper on an otherwise heavenly day.
Understand Why I was Triggered
He hid something from me because of his own fears. What he hid was similar to being up for a promotion at work. Totally not a big deal in the grand scheme of life, but not telling me about it triggered me in a big way. His truth bomb (equal to a water balloon) was met with my nuclear reaction.
Expose My Inner State
Trust is critical in relationships because I’ve experienced broken trust in the past. Someone I loved, the person supposed to make me feel safe, became the very one responsible for deep pain and suffering. I wasn’t “good enough”...
Accept Reality
Here is the truth. I am going to make mistakes that hurt others. Every single person close to me is going to do the same to me. The mistakes that rock my core, question my self-worth, those are really going to trigger an instant response -- unless my self-worth comes from me.
Forgive
I was angered because of a deep pain surrounding belief in my self-worth. I forgive him for being human and I am compassionate about why he did what he did. I forgive myself for being a not so nice person, I ask for his forgiveness, and resolve to practice “Pause and Reflect” before getting so upset. Hopefully it will become a habit sooner than later.
Surrender
I surrender my sadness of not feeling good enough. I am grateful to be in the stage of my spiritual evolution that I am doing the work to set myself free.
#SparkleOn #DoTheWork #MentalDetox2020